[Personal Branding]大家看看我的Goal 是否有大漏洞：

http://forum.chasedream.com/dispbbs.asp?boardID=13&ID=311905&star=4&page=
Q:
大家看看我的Goal 是否有大漏洞：
I have a long term plan to build up my own software company in IT industry. China has so many talents of software engineering, but China dose not own world famous software companies. While, India’s software industry have boomed up and cultivated many well-known native software firms, such as InfoSys and Satyam. On the other side, foreign software and solution companies, such as SAP, Oracle and Microsoft ,almost occupied China’s software industry. Ironically, they hosted their R&D centers in China and hired a bunch of Chinese engineers. I aspire to take the responsibility to alter the situation and foster a world-class software service provider from China.

For this goal, first of all, I should build and sharpen my business capabilities before 35 years old. In Intel, I inspired my potential and learned a lot about various leadership styles, effective team work, customer orientation, and business operation. Especially, Intel’s open and global working environment cultivated me to be a pro-active and initiative guy with global thinking. However, only a MBA program can offer me systematic business management trainings to improve my general skill-sets of international business operation. Secondly, I need a business co-partner, who are smart and passion. In a top MBA school, it will be easy to get this task done. Thirdly, I should find out the venture capital to support the setup of my business. So I prefer study in US for my MBA program, where it is relatively easier to get capital support.

A:
這篇essay文法需要小修 但並沒有什麼太大問題
語氣平鋪直敘也沒什麼不好
BW上的錄取sample很多都是這樣的語氣
長程目標有大方向
講到大陸與印度趨勢都很好
不過以上狀況都無關緊要

主要問題有幾大點
一是大陸與印度有這些趨勢 只是總體經濟面
跟您個人生涯的關係為何? 要有細部的個人動機結合

二是為什麼這樣的趨勢要由您來執行這樣的目標? 您有什麼個人能力或特別經歷與其他競爭者區隔?
為什麼十幾億人要由您來執行而不是別人? 您跟別人有什麼不同?這篇essay主要問題就是幾乎可以套在其他十億人身上,沒有很強的個人獨特性與區隔

三是沒有明確的細部目標與具體實踐方式
您講的方向很大 您有什麼細部目標與計畫
能一步一步將大方向目標完成? 必須要有break down細目

四是定義模糊
software太多了 您要講出是哪種software
而為什麼是這種software
市場在哪 為什麼有這市場? 可能因為某某趨勢或市場需求
您的公司要多大規模
資金來源為何...等等
這些基礎條件要先定義好之後
跟您現在的能力與資源有何差異
找出中間的gap以後才會具體知道需要加強哪些部分
是需要marketing?還是需要finance?還是需要entrepreneurship?
必須要把這些細目都定義清楚
才會發現是否欠缺MBA訊練 而需要的是MBA的哪些部份
又為什麼是UNC 非UNC不可
UNC強項並不在entrepreneurship
而是在marketing communication
而且非常強
但跟您本身的目標與現狀都還沒有任何證據能夠結合
您必須要將這些證據明確列出
才會有面試機會並且進而錄取

第五是對生涯未來有預設前提
為什麼會出現一個轉折點在三十五歲
不是三十三歲或三十八歲?
需要有個理由或證據 不能無中生有
然後回到定義模糊的問題
您所指的business capability是哪些
要有明細
您可以說需要有managing people & leadership能夠帶領企業團隊
要有marketing research能力才能知道市場在哪
要有finance basics and investment fundamentals讓您知道如何週轉資金
IT product development & project management讓您能夠開發新軟體產品
並且對產品開發做專案管理...等等
您下頭講到的這段就相當接近:
In Intel, I inspired my potential and learned a lot about various leadership styles, effective team work, customer orientation, and business operation. Especially, Intel’s open and global working environment cultivated me to be a pro-active and initiative guy with global thinking.
不過沒講完
要再往下延伸
例如要把customer orientation定義更精細完整
customer orientation的目的是為了capitalize feasible profit
並且跟學校課程結合
所以你需要UNC的consumer behavior來知道消費者到底在想什麼
以及 market research來找出市場需求
您後面這段Especially, Intel’s open and global working environment cultivated me to be a pro-active and initiative guy with global thinking. However, only a MBA program can offer me systematic business management trainings to improve my general skill-sets of international business operation.
就滿抽象
不太知道您的pro-active and initiative定義是什麼為什麼會需要這些特質
又為什麼這會需要MBA訓練
您可以換一種更具體的講法
並且能夠實際與MBA課程結合
也是您人生的真實生涯
不然即使唸完也沒辦法派上用場

最後一點是外求於人
找co-partner沒問題
但是這個人似乎比您的能力更為強大
若是這樣 您本身的價值將會相對降低
又這樣的co-partner如果真的要這樣找
直接飛到學校附近旅行幾天 到學校酒吧喝幾杯交交朋友就行了
不需要念個MBA這麼大投資

簡單講是需要具體細項目標與執行方式
並跟個人獨特性與生涯方向結合
再解釋學校的細項特性來做結合
這樣就會錄取